Applause

I've always admired the folks in this world who do not live for an applause.  The ones who quietly disappear, virtually unnoticed, and are later found doing thankless acts of kindness.  I know that you know these types of "ladies and men"  that I'm talking about, and perhaps you are one.  These are the folks who clean the dishes after a party, keep your breakroom's trash can emptied, and is the little fairy that keeps a can of "Glade" in your company's restroom.   Most of these folks aren't found on social media, and if they are, their profile picture is probably a baby animal, a child or blank.  Quite simply, these folks make the world a better, kinder place. They are angels on earth who don't like their photo taken or name etched in a plaque.

I, self-admittedly, am not one of these folks.

I'm going to blame it on my parents for having me 10 years after my middle sister, 15 years after my oldest, thus making me the baby of the family.  

I didn't grow up rich, but I was definitely spoiled rotten with attention.  As a baby, my chubby thighs stayed bruised because people just couldn't resist squeezing them.  My dad left for work every morning at 5AM for 30+ years, yet never missed a single ballgame and rarely a practice.  Mom once got us kicked out of basketball game because she didn't like how the coach was yelling at me, and I lasted with my original Kindergarden teacher only one day when she opted to call me "Kathy," instead of Katherine on the first day of school. My sweet mama could go from a smiling Southern Belle to a scary Mama Bear in a split second- bless her heart.

With that being said, I have had to work on not being an overly-sensitive, "let's-take-a-selfie," self-indulgent, borderline narcissist, "why not me," and "I'm going to tell my mama," attention-seeking brat.  (It's a work in progress.)  I will toot my own horn and shamelessly do a dance in the end zone, while saying "in your face!" after winning a game of Monopoly.  And I sometimes wonder why people don't like me?!?

Ok. That's not entirely true, as I cannot recall ever winning a game of Monopoly.  I am, however, very competitive and like to be rewarded for my hard work and having an audience watch doesn't make me at all nervous.

In fact, I recall more embarrassing moments occurring in my life on a stage, basketball court or softball field with lots of people watching than those of bright, shining moments.  For example, I once went in for a layup to only run straight into the rolling basketball rack with 10+ basketballs on it, making way for them to be completely scattered throughout the gym and for me to be face-planted on the gym floor with a gym full of people.  This was the longest 10 mins of my life. I survived.

So back to this "need for attention" thing....it's not about a need for others or the world to watch me "succeed."  It's truly not about being #1, "the best," or an insatiable desire for attention.

Not to get sappy, but what it actually boils down to is the dopamine rush I get when I look up and see that what I've done has made my biggest fans proud- my parents.  That's what provides me the biggest sense of accomplishment and feeling of success. This need for approval has pushed me many times forward.

As we are creeping up on a little over a week away from the grand opening of Vinterest Antiques, I realize my biggest fans may not show up in the audience for the first time ever.   It's not because they don't want to. It's just because they can't- physically. I have to be prepared for that.

And, at 35 years old, my friends, I realize that I am going to have to learn to give to myself the applause that I have relied on from family my entire life.

There are still people who won't like "Katherine" and there's still going to be jerks who think they can talk to me however they want.  There are still bullies on the playground and life is much more populated with competitors than fans. I must come to grips with that there will never be any other person on this earth who will root for me, right or wrong, like my parents did.

I may still fall straight on my face, and people may point and laugh at me, and I am going to have to find the courage and strength to stand up on my own two feet and try again.   No one in this life is going to come running anymore to protect me.

Alas!  I must not forget that I have a wonderful partner in Paul.  

I must also not forget that this fear and anxiety does not come from above.  The noise and negativity and fleeting thoughts of doubt are not part of the journey the Lord has called us to make.  We always have a choice: fear or faith.

As our lives continue to change and people who we love grow old and leave us, the show must go on!  We must continue to rejoice and do good in the world and continue to have hope for the future in a cruel world that won't always love back.  We must be willing to take risks and look like a fool from time to time.

After all, the love, encouragement and applause that we have been given doesn't go away just because we can no longer see it.  Instead, it must get stored as fuel to take us through the rest of our journey.

As for today, I stop and reflect on the "folks" who have done countless "thankless" deeds throughout their life without the need for applause.  Thank you what you do. I hope to become more like you.  

I also praise Jesus for the gifts of love that he has given me through my family.   These gifts continue to give.

Lastly,  I chose to  keep marching forward into the unknown with my Partner choosing "faith" again tonight,  rejecting once more any thoughts of doubt or insecurity.  Only through faith, we will have strength to continue to conquer fear.